Sought and Found, Searched and Known

By Alison Kautz Ayala

“I know”.  Two very simple words that are very often found together coming out of my mouth.  In the very essence of this phrase is an air of pride, “what you are pointing out is something that I have already learned and incorporated into my life; it isn’t new, actually, it is quite old”.  Yet is it really?

How interesting this humanness that we carry like a prize and a cross, all wrapped into one.  What is it that we really know?  Amazing that a phrase that is suggestive of intelligence, I would argue is actually the very antithesis.  When “I know”, what I am really saying is that I have closed the door, I understand the nature of this thing, and ultimately, that there is no opportunity for any experience or teaching that would allow me to see anything differently.  How often this is the very posture I choose; how painful it is when God determines to show me otherwise. 

This has been my journey as of late.  In big ways and small, God has been pointing out where my “knowing” is getting in the way.  Change is underway.

Not too long ago, I acknowledged to myself that one of the things I feared most was to be known by another, to be really known, and therefore exposed in all my (not so) glorious humanness.  This is a challenging place to be while at the same time desiring an intimate, supportive marriage and intimate, close-knit friendships.  Oh those people-pleasing demons, would that I oust them once and for all. 

This very morning, within two hours of waking up, God impressed this scripture on my heart, first through a devotional and then through a sermon that I was only listening to for 5 minutes:

2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (The Message)

“ 7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

   My grace is enough; it's all you need.

   My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”

There is such a beauty in the ability to say “I don’t know”.  The possibilities that exist in this dynamic situation are endless.  Perhaps, when we are able to say “I don’t know”, we might be able to see something completely outside of our current context, outside of the possibilities that we ever imagined and perhaps this is when our great and imaginative God is able to reveal His perfect heart to us – showing us rainbows and promises and love that we have never been able to receive before. 

For God does already know all these places, the places in my heart that I would prefer to hide and pretend don’t exist.  These places of sorrow, wished for and never attained dreams and festering wounds.  As it says in Psalm 139 (Contemporary English Version)

 (A psalm by David for the music leader.)

The LORD Is Always Near

 1You have looked deep

   into my heart, LORD, and you know all about me.

    2You know when I am resting or when I am working,

   and from heaven  you discover my thoughts.

    3You notice everything I do and everywhere I go.

    4Before I even speak a word, you know what I will say,

    5and with your powerful arm you protect me

   from every side.

    6I can't understand all of this!

   Such wonderful knowledge is far above me.

    7Where could I go to escape from your Spirit

   or from your sight?

    8If I were to climb up to the highest heavens,

   you would be there. If I were to dig down

   to the world of the dead you would also be there.

    13You are the one who put me together

   inside my mother's body, 14and I praise you

   because of the wonderful way you created me.

   Everything you do is marvelous!

   Of this I have no doubt.

    15Nothing about me is hidden from you!

   I was secretly woven together deep in the earth below,

    16but with your own eyes you saw

   my body being formed. Even before I was born,

   you had written in your book everything I would do.

    17Your thoughts are far beyond my understanding,

   much more than I could ever imagine.

Every corner and every crevice, every imperfect thought I have had, every mean word I have spoken, every pain that I have held onto – our Lord tenderly holds in His hand, inviting us to let go.  Instead of holding onto these, He invites us to hold on to Him for as it says in Jeremiah 29:13-14:

13 You will (V)seek Me and find Me when you (W)search for Me with all your heart.

 14'I will be (X)found by you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will (Y)restore your fortunes and will (Z)gather you from all the nations and from all the places where I have driven you,' declares the LORD, 'and I will (AA)bring you back to the place from where I sent you into exile.'

Slowly and at times uncertainly, the flower of my imperfect heart is opening – to be known, to be understood and ultimately revealing that which I thought I was keeping hidden from the world, was actually quite plain to all those around me, and even more so to the One who has been holding this flower all along.